words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
