i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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