DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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