I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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