Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
