The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Two words: nipple clamps
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