he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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