glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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