Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
