Your favorite bartender is back from prision
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
