I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
im on a boat
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