i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
