if i can run in heels then i can drive
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
