he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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