I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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