she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize