I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
