hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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