i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
