he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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