Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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