I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize