how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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