we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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