I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
