u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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