I look better un-naked...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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