Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
