the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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