Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
