Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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