so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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