I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am one with the molecules
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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