thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
