He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
