I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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