My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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