what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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