i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
