I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
