dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
