he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
