i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Are we still banned from the library?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
