dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
