Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
