thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Farmville is her only friend.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
