Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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