So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
