I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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