I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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