I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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