so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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