you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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