he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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