Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
