Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Still dying that you shit outside
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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