Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
did you just send me my own nude
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
