one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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