Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
