Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
