Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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