I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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