So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
