I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize