I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
