apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
