just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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