Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
