thus making me awesome and them whores
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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